At first, I thought that there wasn’t much to say about Vikings. I’ve been watching TechnoViking on YouTube quite a lot, but everyone knows he isn’t a genuine Viking anyway. I considered giving them the benefit of the doubt and broadening the General Banter category to include virtually all barbarian hordes of all stripes.

Then I realized that there’s a reason that people still talk about Vikings - they were the dog’s bollocks. First of all, as far as true Vikings are concerned, there is Beowulf. Yes, he was a Geat - but that’s a lot closer than a lot of other Viking heroes get to the frozen tundra of the Northlands. Vikings terrorised Europe, their descendants conquered this country, and they pioneered trans-Atlantic exploration and colonization, established colonies in Greenland and Canada.

Viking mythology is fucking brilliant. The eddas and sagas outline a divine opera with contains the underpinnings of some Christian lore and rivals Greco-Roman mythology as far as internecine bitchiness is concerned. Not only that, but while Zeus was just another sky-god, Odin had a pair of ravens and only one eye. Not to mention the eight-legged horse. And let’s not forget one of the great tricksters of all time, Loki, and Ragnarok, the end of the reign of the gods, in a giant cosmic battle that pits god against titan.

Hello, my fellow reader(s?), please allow me to get something off my chest for a moment. I’m fed up with the people I care for the most taking me for a constant, never-ending ride. Before you turn away and think you’ve heard this all before, stick with me for a moment longer - you might even be able to answer some of my questions.

I’m wondering, perhaps it’s just a part of human nature or is it just those I choose to associate with? Maybe our God, Mother Nature or whatever non-celestial body we entreat to, has a twisted sense of humour… So macabre that it has followed me everywhere I go ever since I came out of my mother’s womb. Or, could it be that I am unlucky enough to be cursed with the “dodgy DNA”: the type that clings to only those who constantly feel the need to break me down. Maybe that’s what my “friends” are attracted to: The appeal of emotionally tearing me into tiny little pieces until I am completely at their mercy. I wish I could sit here and say I didn’t care… but I do. I care very much and it hurts.

As the cliché goes, “why is it that the people who make you the happiest can also make you the saddest”? Truth is, I’ve been asking myself this question for months. And I’m glad to announce to you all, that I think I’ve finally cracked it! There’s a big fat tattoo across the entire width of my forehead that simply reads: “MUG”. I caught a glimpse of it in the bathroom mirror just now when I went for a piss! It’s acts as a magnet that attracts all the wrong people. They see me as nothing but shit on a shoe. A giant, figurative piece of dog-do that exists purely to bump up their number of “friends”, with scant regard for me (it’s all “me, me me” today, isn’t it?)

Well, I’m tired of associating myself with phoney people, I would really appreciate it if I could find REAL people who can appreciate me as a FRIEND. I need to break away from all of this. Will someone please hit my fucking F5 key real soon? I am in desperate need of one giant kick up the backside that’ll force me to move into first gear and get out of this rut I’ve been stuck in for months. My question is, how do you find that? How do you force yourself to leave everything behind (even it it’s in tatters, it’s still immensely difficult to let go, you know) and jump ship? I’d love to do that. Then when that’s all done and dusted, I’ll need some “true” friends who I can fall back on and trust. If you know of any, please tell them about a party I’m hosting on the 19th of October 2007 at my apartment:

Flat 58,
Chump Towers
Dupable Lane,
N4 IVE
United Kingdom

I look forward to seeing some of you there. Thanks and good night.

Some chinaman has skimmed my debit card. I lost £935 to some ching-chong scammer. I wouldn’t actually give a shit if my bank were happy to refund it immediately, but they aren’t. Alas, I have to wait WEEKS while they “investigate” what happened. It’s nice to know they stopped my card immediately though, thanks for that. How about stopping it happen in the first place? Apparently, just in case I flew out to Malaysia myself and spent £935, they have to “investigate” it. So instead of me being defrauded, it’s possible that I might be trying defraud the bank, by defrauding myself, although I’m not actually defrauding myself. Oh, fuck off. I don’t even know what you can buy in Malaysia for £935 GBP.

I am fucked now. My rent is due in less than 8 days. I can’t borrow the money from my parents because they are skint. My friend Gary is ignoring my txts. This is fucking bollocks. My credit rating will get skull-fucked very soon.

Anyway. In other news: VeryVulgar.com is proud to present: Criminals with tattooed faces!!

This is Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C. Exhibit D (scary). Exhibit E. Exhibit F.

Bill Gates (fairly) recently gave a speech at a High School about 10 things you did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Now, just watch these cunts:

So here I am. Welcome to my blog. I don’t know if anyone cares enough about me or this site to have felt a bit empty without the absolute bollocks that goes on this pot of piss I call a website, and to be honest I don’t really care either. It took me a while to make this, but it was worth it. Very worth it. I have noticed that this site is getting maybe 40-50 hits a day already, for some strange reason. I don’t know how anyone is finding this website as I haven’t told anyone about it yet. It’s fucking bizarre really.